Eternity In A Moment

There are times when words are absolutely inadequate to express an event, but we still make the attempt due to the value of the experience. For me, watching Opa with Oma today was one of deep reverence.

It’s difficult to find words for what I saw with Oma and Opa. I was struck by his tenderness as he walked up to Oma in her bed, stood watching for a moment and then very gently began stroking her hair with the backs of his fingertips. The moment was rather simple and ordinary on the outside, but this was a time when the small details were infinitely significant.

Observing as I cut up some cheese and a plum for a snack, I was deeply moved by the way Opa watched her. His gaze was absolutely unflinching, but it was so gentle that it struck me, and it took a second for me to realize that I was staring. I've grown up around Opa, and he's never been an openly affectionate man, but Opa could easily deliver a meaningful touch with a pat on the shoulder or a quick comment about the fine quality of work we did. Watching Opa in such a simple embrace with Oma today, I was immediately drawn in to how full his love was and how freely it passed from Opa to her.

Love is sacred. I’ve learned in my own relationship with my wife that love is made of much more than the initial spark and attraction that drew us to finally say, “I do.” Love is profound whether a verb or a noun. Love gives us wholeness as we receive care and tenderness from those reaching out to us and then continues to hold us bound to them long after. Love is an action and a memory and a hope all at once. It’s bittersweet when we would sacrifice anything and realize that our means are still limited by mortality. Love is perfect when it binds so tightly that it cleanses hearts and shores up our souls even when all that is left of an action is the memory. It's made of sacrifice and devotion that binds hearts together so tightly that even when the storms of fate blow hot in our face, the only thing we can see are those who's hearts dwell in ours.

As a gift that was given, taken and remembered all at once, love was everything I saw between Oma and Opa. Looking at the woman who held 54 years of his devotion lying helpless and unresponsive in front of him, Opa, even as it was impossible for Oma to look back at him or share his touch, took her in as if the two of them were all that existed.

I can't define what Opa was thinking or possibly saying in silence as he was locked there with Oma. There are countless thoughts and moments that they have shared in private. However, it was clear to me to a depth that I've never experienced before that Oma's own devotion to him, her art and creativity, her glib comments, her kind words, her love of his art, her appreciation for his gardening, her detailed stories, her love of their God, and so much more that had lead to a lasting interdependence with each other -- all of that now held a strong and independent man locked next to her at a moment where she could do little more for him than receive his gaze and touch as she tried to rest.

In this moment I felt the full love that existed in the room, and it touched me so deeply that I couldn’t stay and watch any longer. Now, after having some time to reflect on that moment, I realize that I have learned my last lesson from Oma. In front of Opa and myself sat the nearly empty physical vessel of my oma. Yet the effect she had on Opa, and then through him on me, was more profound than anything I had experienced in a long time. Oma taught me that her life was far more than just this moment. In fact, the moment was rather insignificant out of context. Oma is not going to laugh, smile, work, play, or talk with us today. Her body won’t allow her to participate in any fashion at all, but the woman that is Oma is still very much here with us. Opa’s caress was no less meaningful. Oma’s love and legacy was no less diminished. Oma’s life already stands as her legacy. Her great gift to us was herself, and no decay or tarnish can take that from us.

To Oma:

I will miss you Oma. I will miss your love. I will remember you fondly, and I will distinctly remember forever the day that all of your love was summed up for me in one moment when so little of you was with us, and still you were everything to Opa.

Goodbye Oma. I love you.


Christian Mealey (Grandson)